"It's Time for Some PUNCHuation!"

For over twenty-five years Ann Wheeler has ruled her classroom with a mild exactitude that makes today’s revelation all the more surprising.

Beneath her velvet glove of Victorian correctness, Ann Wheeler hides the iron fist of a superhero. Our calm, meek Dr. Wheeler is the world renowned Granite Rainbow, whose battles against crime and poor word choice would be the stuff of legend, were they not the sinew of truth, justice, and narrative style.

We confronted Doc Ann, aka Dr. Wheeler, aka Granite Rainbow recently. She tried hiding behind a book, claimed she had papers to grade, and gave a pop quiz, but, eventually, had to admit the truth. "I don't know why I try to hide it. Every time you find out. Do you think I haven’t been exposed before? Every time I use my power The Platform of Time and fix the problem. One time I let the truth out for a whole year before I erased everyone’s memory. So tell all, ask everything...I have nothing to hide, because you'll have nothing to remember.”

It all started during her childhood trip to Orlando sponsored by her local library. She and her pet dairy cow Mrs. Dalloway were following a narrative thread down a trail when a Virginia Werewoolf attacked. Through the inspired use of a plot twist, she and Mrs. Dalloway escaped with nothing but scratches. But there must have been something in those seemingly minor wounds.  Since that day she and the cow have possessed all the powers of Modernism and have used them to wage a never-ending battle against the forces of ignorance and evil.

"At first I thought it a curse," Ann says. "My parents and I sought out the acclaimed Dr. Freya Sachsville-west, whose famed self-help book "Invitation to Cast out Care" dealt with cures for supernatural ailments. After meeting with her, we came around to the idea that it wasn't an ailment at all, but rather a blessing."

Her parents, though proud of her powers—one of which, “stream of consciousness,” enabled them to increase the yield of their dairy farm tenfold—insisted that she hide her true self from the public and adopt the persona of a quiet, dignified Dr. of English Literature and teacher. As her mother said, “It’s just not right for a proper country girl to be seen wearing tights and running around the country fighting people with that ridiculous catch phrase ‘I think it’s time for some PUNCHuation.’”

"Mom is the sort of lady who still wears gloves to tea, and the whole idea that I could take on a full career and wear a costume was just too showy for her to take...even if I also wear gloves to tea."

Thanks to her parents' decision, generations of USN students have had the benefit of her insight, instruction, and super-powered protection.  They may not have known that Ann was the Granite Rainbow, but all of them grew up on tales of GR’s exploits. Indeed who among us can forget her epic struggles with the crime lords Run-On and Fragment, or the harrowing battle against the Comma Splicer atop the Batman building? Or when she freed Verse from Rhyme and Reason?

Who among us does not gasp in wonder when we hear the cry “To the Lighthouse!” as she sails above our heads in her chariot Bloomsbury pulled  by the doughty flying cow Mrs. Dalloway? We all stop what we are doing and watch as they make their way to their secret hideout somewhere amid the waves.

Her powers are extraordinary. Using her “Deconstruction Ray,” she can level buildings and badly worded sentences with a single glance. With “A Moment's Liberty” she can send an astral projection to academic conferences anywhere in the world…or underworld. Using her Homiologia and Hyperbole skills, she can silence commentators on any news channel. “You really don’t want to get on my bad side,” she says with a laugh.

Many a moron or maniacal genius has discovered this fact as she sent them packing to a room of their own in the Big House.  Their puny attempts to fight back bounced off her like paper darts.

The life of the super hero is exciting, but for Ann it is a sideline and teaching is the main thing—along with reading mysteries, writing Harlequin Romances under the pen name James Ramsay, and spending time with her decidedly unsuperpowered cat Daisy.

We could go on, but why? As Ann said, “You won’t remember any of this in the morning.”